A Day in the Life of MayaInspire 2008-08-28T00:36:46Z http://blog.mayainspire.com/atom.aspx Quick Blog The Raw Deal tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-08-23:bdb5a0d6-eb69-439b-99d3-5a94ec31c3fd MayaInspire 2008-08-23T15:36:10Z 2008-08-23T13:29:00Z I was talking to my mother the other day and she recalled a letter that she wrote to colleges I was applying to about me. In it, she stated how I was beyond my years. I know now that I was as I knew then. At the time, being told that I was more mature than my peers made me feel proud and worthy. I was on another level of thought process, one that they could only hope to achieve. I could hold my own in conversations at the "grown folk's table." That was something... then.

Today, I look back and I see clearly how my existence has been molded by the very unique life that I am living. There are days when I look back at times I could have immersed myself more in the middle school or teenage experience and I just didn't because I was too busy. I was too busy wanting another crowd and proving that I was somehow superior to the immature thoughts and feelings of those around me. I feel that a great deal of living and life is wanting what you do not have. Now that I am older, I yearn for those younger years. A comical role reversal played out for Mother Nature's amusement I’m sure.

I am different physically which has in turn made me different mentally. Trust that when I say 'different' all that I mean is 'different.' Physically and mentally, I have never considered myself in terms of a vertical standard of measurement. There is no better, worse off, superior, inferior. There are only undeniable differences. I am attempting to illuminate some of these differences to see what you think.

These differences have been both good and bad. When I listen to others talk about the things that they go through, I am sometimes taken aback at the chasm between how they view things and how I would see it. When I have had others listen to me, I can see in their faces and hear in their tones how I have just blown their minds. They cannot fathom the things that I have been through and I cannot understand the lack of mental fortitude they display. Again, we are no better than each other, we are just starkly different.

Sometimes I feel like this life has taken me too deep. I am on an unending quest for meaning. I suppose law school did not help any but with everything that is before me, I pick apart. I carefully examine the whys and the hows. Was there something I could have done differently to produce a different outcome? Somehow all of this thinking, examining, and then re-examining comforts me. Sometimes though, I am left awake and no closer to a resolution.

One thing that occupies a great majority of my thoughts is Square One. Where is it and why does everyone seem to be running from it? Square One is the bare bones, that natural point that exists at the center of everything. Square One is what matters in any and all situations. A realness that is so often discouraged and frowned upon, the perennial heart of the matter. Square One is sidestepped, flipped over, covered, and transformed. I always try to get to Square One.

Can you imagine if we were all naked? Each and every one of us, not just the indigenous people we spy on National Geographic. Have you ever been to the strip club? I have. On more than one occasion and to both male and female. Should I be ashamed of that? What is so wrong with human beings in their most natural form? We take naked pictures of our babies. When they get older it might land you some time in prison. When we are adults, we call it porn and if confronted with any evidence of it... deny, deny, deny. I look at nudity and our uncomfortableness with it as our first and greatest attempt to get away from Square One. This is how we came into the world, isn't it? Correct me if I am wrong but those indigenous people always look happy to me.

I am not advocating nudist societies nor do I think we can all take it off tomorrow. What I am trying to get at is the essence of all things. I do not want to clothe situations, emotions, and thoughts. I think the Olympics bring us closer to Square One. There is something for everybody there. The young and old; the gay and straight; multiple nationalities and body types. We were cheering for everyone irrespective of their physical traits or social beliefs. It will be over soon and we will all get back to shrouding but for these few weeks, it sure was nice wasn't it?

Does it matter whether Barack Obama is half white and half black? Is it important that McCain is in his 70's? Do these things really matter really? Do you even know the platforms upon which they stand or are you still caught up? Does it matter that the one person on this earth that could give you the absolute love of your life is 100 lbs. overweight? Does money define who I am? Do I need to have hands to be a good parent or worthy individual? What happens when you are born "ugly?" Would you be able to mentally survive if tomorrow, you were paralyzed from the neck down? Would you be the same person to your significant other? Are we all of the same mental ability or do some of us just try harder? Does Michael Jackson really need to wear that mask?

Just a few hurdles on my quest to Square One.

Now let's all get naked!]]> Before U Go tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-08-14:6e1dccc9-7b1d-4669-b57e-d855ece3cee2 MayaInspire 2008-08-14T17:33:10Z 2008-08-14T16:52:00Z

    Living & dying; dying and living; living to die; and dying to live. I am exhausted already. Two things rarely are so disparate as living and living no more. When someone close to me or a "celebrity" dies, I always become a bit preoccupied with my own mortality. I have recently become more settled with the thought of my demise. The only thing I consider now is my son and how he would fare in my absence. I find comfort in the makeup of those around me and I try to assuage my fears that way. Fear.

    I know many people are afraid of dying as I was. Some will probably click away from this here entry before I even get warmed up. Before you go, humor me a bit. Before you go, I want you to acknowledge and embrace that there will be a day you will go. Before you go, take advantage of this life no matter how it finds you. Before you go, please promise me to adhere to all of the little things that you missed yesterday so that one day will find you so immersed that you will be ready to go.

    Living is a complicated deal full of distractions that steadily pull us away from the things that matter. Life can entangle you in the negative and meaningless. Some have marveled at my positive attitude. When I try to see me through their eyes, sometimes I get it. I suppose I could wind myself around countless what if's and lament all of the negative to be found but where would that lead me and my life. If we do this thing called living just once, can you imagine the amount of waste I would produce. Wasted moments, experiences, happiness, relationships. 

    This is a one shot deal here everybody. We all have our shit to deal with. If you know somebody who doesn't, email me. If it is not one thing, it will be another. On that, you can depend. Now having said that, there is a lot of choices to be made with how to view and deal with your shit. I have fertilized mine into a beautiful flower bed with more shit to heap on with each passing day. You should see me in my flower garden. Maybe I can smell the sweet smell of roses because I have no other choice. Shit or roses? You decide.

    I wish I could bottle that feeling that comes over us when one of our own dies. That gutted feeling that you feel when you are reminded that nothing ever lasts forever. There will be a day when the sun will rise without you. What are you going to do now? Hopefully it will be something different and more refined than what you did yesterday and the day before that. Whether you are 89, 48, or 18, NOW is the time... please, please... before you go.
]]> Sane & Fine tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-08-03:1652d38c-c26f-48b0-a04f-d4726cb73df5 MayaInspire 2008-08-03T17:29:24Z 2008-08-03T16:14:00Z

I think that we are all providing ourselves with a thought process that aides us in getting to the next day. A defense mechanism of sorts that puts everything that we go through in an orderly fashion. Manageable bits and pieces that are certainly easier to absorb and process than the whole. Yesterday, my defenses were working over time and in a lot of ways, I was thankful for that. Thankful that I have found that which gets me to tomorrow as sanely and as fine as I was today! Since you're here, let me share with you.

Have you ever heard of that saying that in every event, there are 3 sides? Yours, theirs, and the truth. I feel that there only exists two sides and those are yours and theirs. The truth hardly ever constitutes a side but is found somewhere in between. Perception is a most glorious tool that can create some of the best and some of the worse outcomes. I try to keep perception at the fore of my knapsack of goodies that I carry into various happenings. If I hold perception as close as I should, anything can happen to me and I mean anything. I've gotten through many things during my time that have been downright torturous. Sad occurrences that I couldn't recall to you if you paid me. I'm writing to you today, sane and fine.

Yesterday... oh, yesterday! I told you back in From Easy Street that I have been looking to replace my existing chair. I decided to take my son to a theme park so he could enjoy himself some. From the moment we arrived, the chair began stopping and starting and doing things that made it difficult to drive. By the time it was all said and done, I had to ask for the assistance of a park worker to help us to our car. Without clear perception, I can be tougher on myself than anybody I know or could ever meet. I started into me with why couldn't I have seen this coming, why do I have to end my son's good time early, why do I have to ask random people for assistance? It was rough before I could think clearly.

I then thought of all of those who would love to take their children to theme parks for any amount of time but can't because of one reason or another. I thought of how perfect it was I was able to flag down the perfect gentleman who agreed to help these strangers to their car. I thought of what a wonderful time we had and the great shots that we took. We had much laughter and fun so why dwell on anything else? I could perceive this as a horrible event that I wish I wasn't apart of or I could perceive it as another day that came together perfectly in spite of it all.

Happy to be reporting to you today... sane & fine.]]> Of Pontoons tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-07-20:a54fa114-5426-42a9-b18b-e1872a8e6987 MayaInspire 2008-07-20T14:48:59Z 2008-07-20T13:28:00Z Is it normal to feel like a one-woman show? You, my dear, are my most reliable barometer for all things. If you have read here long enough, I am sure you have gathered that I prefer to stay within the normal range of normalcy **rolling eyes**. I feel like a disheveled outsider floating on a pontoon looking the natives in their eyes as they throw debris and insults at me, trying to get me to sink. It's hard out here on your girl! Through it all I will continue to float, head pointed to the sun with eyes closed not just to block the natives, but because I am really enjoying myself.

Last night, I was watching a show on CNN that ruffled my feathers a bit. Some great black minds came together on some great issues and had a great discussion. How great! They touched on the issue of single motherhood amongst black women. It was suggested that there was something inappropriate about "celebrating" the fact that you can do it alone. Right here, we could go on and on about children needing two parent households and black men etc. Instead, let us isolate and just talk about celebration. Is there anything wrong with being proud of the fact that you can raise your child? Is there anything wrong with having to do it alone? Anybody who knows me knows that I try to keep the shame in my game at critical levels. I am proud of everything that I am and everything that I am not. (I even celebrate it at times!)

I'm no fool; I know that judging is the name of the game. Indoctrinated since pigtails, a black belt hangs in my closet. She was born this way so she can't think, work, write, raise her child, be sexy. She's a single mother so she must be a welfare whore with very little idea of right and wrong. She's black so she must be of the ghetto, speak ebonics, and sip on gin & juice in her spare time. She's not married so she must be amoral and somewhat desperate, is my husband talking to her?

They call it society but I think series is a better description of what we are in. We exist amidst a series of rules and judgments. Opinions and beliefs about what is right and what is wrong. How my life should be lived, how my son should be “dealt” with. Potentials, right steps, and doomed steps. Is it necessary? Ofcourse, can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if certain “rules” are not in place? Sometimes you need a little coercion to carry out these rules, how else would they be enforced?

Is your stomach turning yet? Mine is but that only happens when I have to recall these things in order to give it to you raw. For the most part, these things fly seamlessly high over my head. This is not my burden alone; there are other disheveled folk on countless pontoons. Does it help the natives any to behave in this fashion? Is there anything to really be gained in it all? I hope so. Maybe it makes them feel superior if they can get one of those helpless pontoons to sink under the weight of it all. Or maybe they enjoy the additional ammunition they receive when they drive one of those disheveled to do something unthinkable like throw their own children overboard. Can you imagine the glee?

I can. We all transition between the natives and the disheveled at various times. It hasn't been until recently that I have taken greater control of myself in both positions. I judge less and live life with fewer hangups. Please don't get me wrong, I appreciate CNN putting together a program that dealt with these issues. As with all things though, I took some and left some. I appreciate all opinions whether I agree with them or not. I am simply asking this: when it is your chance to spend a little "pontoon time," close your eyes, soak in the sun, and please, please, rest your head.]]> N Control tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-07-12:b7f2b2e5-c262-426a-bf7c-41d2f243bd6f MayaInspire 2008-07-12T18:55:21Z 2008-07-12T13:28:00Z     Remember Janet Jackson's Control? The song or the video, you can take your pick because they were both amazing for the same reason. Here Penny was doing her thing, "making her own decisions" and the whole world was captivated. Ms. Jackson led us within ourselves with that one, didn’t she? I think about control a lot. Not Janet's but control in general. I am out of control of many things but I am constantly reminding myself that I am in control of a lot more. If I have a firm grip on the things I am in control of, the things that I lack control over have less control over me.
 
    Life hinges on decisions. One wrong decision can have catastrophic effects on more than one life. One good decision can indefinitely change an outcome. I look back on my life pleased at the decisions that I have made. In total, I am an above average decision maker even during periods where I lacked a clear understanding of a situation. Through those times where I had nothing more than an immature intellect, I emerged relatively unscathed. As a mother, I feel that my greatest fete will be teaching my son to be an excellent decision maker. This will be his master key that houses all others. 

    Have you ever thought about the sheer number of decisions you make in one single day? Hair up or hair down? To shave or not to shave? To be happy or to harbor bitter? I have been good at environmental decisions. I blend eye shadow well and I make it to my appointments on time. When it comes to decisions about my internal well-being... let's just say I am still trying to get to where I need to be. 

    Happiness is a decision. I sat with this one. BUT there are things that take place that are completely out of my control that have an irrevocable effect on my happiness. BUT happiness is something that happens to me not for me. Take it from me when I tell you that happiness is one of the many decisions you have the control to make daily, hourly, by the second. I have had some foul shit unfold right in front of me. As difficult as it was, I had to make the decision to side step it. To leave it right there where it lay and to take it one step further and decide to forget it ever happened. Some might look at it as letting situations and people off the hook. I look at it as self-preservation. 

    I am in control of this. I live and die by my own decisions. When a wrong decision is carried out, it goes down easier when I know it was all mine. I have never been one for the consult. I am the only one living this life and I know what is best when it comes to which paths to glide or stumble down. When people find this out, they make their entry into the word game and start hurling insults like “bitch,” “cold,” “standoffish.” I love it because I know that those words are code for "Damn, I cannot control her." With me being in this chair, I must need help making decisions. You are dead wrong and what you don't know can and oftentimes will hurt you. We are all in this life learning, right? Day by day. Sometimes, I hate being the one to teach you though. 

    When I was in college, I knew this woman who handled the administrative needs of the disabled students on campus. "Disabled" encompassed everything from the paralyzed to those with eating disorders. Right now, I don't remember too many conversations her and I used to have but I do remember this: "Girl, be thankful you have your mind." I knew she was tried by the demands of some who did not have any physical restrictions but mentally, they needed a bit more. I would always laugh at her when she used to tell me this but, as you can see, I got the message now. Kristine, I am indeed thankful that I've got my own mind and I am making my own decisions. 

    Now I'm all grown up!]]> The Fire Inside tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-07-04:7dce989a-c0bf-41fc-924d-e1b5d3d488c4 MayaInspire 2008-07-12T18:57:04Z 2008-07-04T19:23:00Z No one has ever asked me what inspires me. I'd hate to think it's because they don't care! I've had to ask myself this very question many many times over the years. It's easier to get caught up in everything that goes "wrong" or negative thinking in general. My life is not easy. I have my days but for the most part, I stay on the sunny side of things

So, I may or may not inspire you, I accept that. Whatever the case may be I know that inspiration is very necessary. One of the easiest and best places to become inspired is in the smallest of places. A sunset or your favorite song, whatever it is and whenever it happens it always feels right on time. I told you how I didn't quite get the concept until recently. Now that I've got it, I am without question living a better existence.

These days, my son provides my greatest inspiration and motivation. Before I had him, I lacked a clear understanding of life and my place in it all. I'm more daring because of him. Whenever I gain, he gains and I cannot gain big unless I risk big. He is one of the biggest reasons I started this website. I can't let anything hold me back anymore... not even myself. I like myself a lot better in his presence because he makes it hard to recall anything negative. He is and always will be my fire.

I've come to realize that another inspiration I draw from is change. I used to resist against change so much until I realized that that was the only thing that was constant in my life. I ponder my capacity to change. To grow as an individual and adapt in my changing environment. I strive to have more patience, insight, and forgiveness. Just a few random thoughts on what gets me going most days!]]> Inspiration Central tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-07-04:ef8e9372-9659-4238-82da-a92d64e7959a MayaInspire 2008-07-04T17:00:20Z 2008-07-04T15:41:00Z
Inspiration was a hard concept for me to get. From very young, I was being told I was this "inspiration." What do they mean? What feeling does that illicit? Where do the feelings stem from? I did not want to inspire anyone; I was simply living my life and trying to have as much fun as possible. When people would approach me in this manner it became annoying. I guess it highlighted my differences and I took that in a negative way. If that was all there was to say, I would appreciate it if you would just walk on by.

I am capable of many things that might astound you. The astonishing part of it all is that you would probably do the same under similar circumstances. Being that you are not, I now get to reap the benefits of your amazement. I can say that now. If you had have caught me a few years ago, my offense would have made things uncomfortable for the both of us. I had reasoned that I was this big inspiration to you because you have doubted my abilities at first glance. Now, here you are unable to bear the burden of your jaw and I'm supposed to be flattered? Oh please, go ahead with that.

When you are young, it is not hard to find an impetus. As I have gotten older and a bit more "comfortable" with the way of the world, there are days when I am bogged down under the weight of it all. The monotonous day in and then day out with very little changing in between causes me to fall asleep at the wheel from time to time. Inspiration is that spark that reminds us all that we are still very much in the fight... whatever that may be. If I can remind you that you are still as capable as day one, I'm all for that. If the memory of me can stay with you to jolt you five years from now, I'll supply the momentum. If I can be that tiny flicker at the end of a long dark tunnel, I will inspire.

My life is not easy and when I am going through those rough times it is comforting to remember that there is indeed meaning behind the suffering. I give less thought to random hugs. Instead of assuming pity or any other negative thought I used to ascribe, I just feel thankful. I am glad that I can hold my life and times out there and you can ingest the meaning behind it all. That is a beautiful thing. ]]> Freaks of Nature tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-06-15:69391030-92cc-44a1-addd-73e51e0bd98b MayaInspire 2008-06-15T15:37:26Z 2008-06-15T13:23:00Z                                             

It has been longer than I had anticipated and for that, I apologize. I could go on about being busy or feeling "blocked" but I will spare you the excuses. Today is Father's Day. I figured I would broadcast that. There are too many communities and too many families who think that today is just Sunday. Luckily for me, I am not one of them. I talk a lot about the things that I have learned in my life and one of the hardest things I have ever learned was that I was fortunate to have a father living in the home with me. What kind of shit is that to learn? I am appalled.

I had a wonderful childhood and my father was the peak to that pyramid. He was the glue that held it all together throughout the good and the hellation. There was no cutting and running. Fatherhood was always seen as a plus. They say the best gift you can give a child is the love of their mother. I am feeling that. To be locked into something for a year is challenging but to commit to anything for a lifetime is tricky. We are talking about daily checks and balances, stifling your individual self for the greater good, and doing it all again for another generation if necessary. The stakes are high in the sky and the rewards do not stop. If you have children, you have not lived until you have struggled day in and day out with your child. Thank you Dad, I am better for it.

I feel like a father as any single mother should. I want to take this space of cyber world to wish a heartfelt Happy Father's Day to all of my compatriots in this struggle. Remember it is honorable and it is without shame.

I contemplated not even going here as it makes me want to savagely eat my heart out. I am constantly trying to find meaning behind this “deadbeat dad” phenomenon that too many are familiar with. Here is what I have come up with:

In nature, I know that there are very few species of animals who even have a male present at birth. Here, it is more of like spreading their seed through ritualistic mating. They don't know the baby and the baby doesn't know them. Ok, cool. Maybe we are more like animals than we think and those who stay and raise their children are freaks of nature. Strike that.

I keep thinking and since I am a black woman, my mind turns to black men. We as African Americans have historically been through more than our fair share. Life is hard and arguably harder on a black man. Many are in prison behind a justice system whose methods of punishment lacks uniformity. This has in turn permanently separated them from any children they may have. Shucks! Racism is an ugly thing that is dealt with in the most unexpected places. It is not easy to deal with and it is not for me or anyone to speculate on the psychological effects it brings. Maybe deadbeat dads are so downtrodden by the daily act of living that we all take for granted that it then becomes next to impossible for them to be around for what comes out of a night of passion that they have entered into in an attempt to numb the ever present pain they feel about themselves. Those black men who stay on the straight and narrow and raise their children are simply freaks of nature. Strike that.

I keep thinking and then it's like shame on me. How could I not invoke the "softer side" of MayaInspire? These deadbeat dads are in need of sympathy and a tissue. Here they are just trying to engage in a guilt free night of passion and they are so unfortunate as to stumble across their worst nightmare: a crazy woman who is not up on her birth control. Maybe they knew her, maybe they didn't. All that matters now is that she is crazy. He doesn't want a baby and he can't get an abortion. From the sex to the aftermath it should remain all about him. Now, he has something like a parasite on him who makes frequent visits to judges and shows up unexpectedly at his job. Maybe deadbeat dads can't shake her and the mere thought of her clouds any thought of a poor defenseless child who supposedly has half of his DNA but that's just what he read so now he must lace up and run away from the biggest mistake he has ever made and pray to more than one God that this "incident(s)" won't one day come back and bite him in his rancid ass. Those men who suck it up and stick it out are mere freaks of nature. Strike that.

To all of the fathers out there, keep doing what you are doing. Despite my softer side, I give no trophies for taking care of business. You don’t need my trophy anyway, you already have the prize.

There is nothing above or under the sun that should keep a man away from his child. To the deadbeat dads out there, I do not have enough vile words in my vocabulary to dispatch you properly. The good thing is I do not need them. I know firsthand what you are missing. I question the need for your very existence.  I feel sorry for you. Here you are without enough foresight to avail yourself of the one thing that can bring you the most growth, joy, prosperity, and love imaginable. A true freak of nature.]]> From Easy Street tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-05-18:81631615-b75f-404b-be51-a5f802c84904 MayaInspire 2008-05-18T22:51:13Z 2008-05-18T20:58:00Z                                 

My smile has come out of hiding and has suffered through a stern talking to. It was partially ironic that the very next day following the previous entry, everything came up roses. Early to bed does more than precede early to rise. I have needed a replacement to my current chair a day after I received it. Unfortunately, it takes a few years and I went to see about ordering another chair. The one that I have now is big and clunky and I had vowed to spend time to get it right. I researched to find a company and I'm confident I made the right choice. It's run by a rather large man with a larger personality. The man that handles sales is his brother-in-law and I was immediately tag-teamed with jokes and sarcasm.

MayaInspire is typically on the serious side of things but I like a little hee-haw every now and again. I spent a total of 4 hours in there with them exploring my options and settling details. In the midst of it all he blurts out "no, you don't want that because that looks too handicapped!" It was all in a joking way ofcourse but that didn't stop the ire from rising. Your girl played it off well, he had no idea that he had just thrown out the equivalent of a putrid carcass in front of me. I know you are probably scratching your head wondering what has gone wrong and I suppose I am as well. I touched on this problem a little bit in The Word Game. Typically, this is not a game I enjoy playing simply because the odds of losing are too great.

I recently had a conversation about titles and perceptions. Someone had gone into a car dealership looking to finance but was declined because he was a "truck driver." A little research and you too will find that there is money to be made in the profession but that clearly is beside the point. He tried the same dealership a few months later but was now a "transport specialist." He left driving a brand new financed car. Someone out there please tell me if it is indeed true that "I comes before E except after Y." I will call you personally because I'm struggling over here. Housewives have morphed into homemakers; secretaries into administrative assistants; strippers to exotic dancers; and ex's are now glorified as baby mamas. I'm not mad at cha, do your thing.

Realities tend to stay the same while these words get dipped in a vat of gold to re-emerge anew. I am dipping, I am dipping right now as we speak/read/write. I heard through the grapevine that reality bites. It has bit me on far too many occasions and there are instances where the Neosporin can't heal one bite before I get another. It is hard and there are no breaks. There are no breaks but I know that bows come by the trillions. There are red bows, pink bows, sky blue, and they even come in my favorite which is lime green. These bows are daintily placed on new and exciting words that redefine ugly and harsh associations thus disassociating us from our realities. Whew, just when I thought we were without a fix!

He is a kind man with a strong desire to hook your girl up. He had no idea, he really didn't. I mean, how could he have known that he was sitting across from a woman who has holes the size of craters in her backyard? These gaping holes have yet to yield an exit from the word game. Until I can successfully dig my way out, let's me and you come to an agreement. We are going to erase "handicapped" from the hearts and minds of everybody. In its place we'll put a word that means sexy as all get out. It will mean defining my world the way that I see it; steadily learning and steadily growing. It will mean overcoming in ways that are the same and starkly different from you. It will mean a life worth living. Suggestions are welcome.]]> Way More Than Half tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-05-15:0033348b-ae4d-4117-834a-1e8324c1dde1 MayaInspire 2008-05-15T13:27:47Z 2008-05-15T12:56:00Z

    I am having a rough go of it today. Because I named this site MayaInspire, must I always inspire? Should I always wear the mask and deliver up only good and positive messages? That would make you feel better about reading wouldn't it? Is it always about you or can I also come here to share and relate through the good and the bad. Is it me or is there a tendency towards roboticism in everyday life? Just turn on the radio and listen to your favorite DJ. Do they ever have bad days? Do news casters ever worry about anything at all? From the looks of things I would posit no. I understand that we want to concern ourselves with positivity and have a bright outlook but can we really pull it off every single day?

    I increasingly put forth more effort to be in control of my thoughts and emotions. Can I max out without ever really achieving a state of absolute positivity? Am I striving for something that cannot be done? I often feel that I am. Maybe the battle is won with 87% positivity or maybe I'm just punking out. It is not on my good days that I need the most effort. It is on days like today where I must give all that I have to stay happy and hopeful. I am steadily monitoring my thoughts so that they stay on the productive side and resist being swallowed by uncertainty. I am struggling but I suppose it is good that I know when I need to bear down.

    I like being a positive person but more than that, I want to be real. A real person's emotions run the gamut. I hate it when a person has 360 days where they are perfect but they are judged based on the 5 days that were less than stellar. The pendulum swings both ways and that should be acknowledged and accepted. Resist roboticism. 87% is way more than half...]]> Mama tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-05-09:4934b69a-ba9b-41e0-ab2b-6e002c28b4d4 MayaInspire 2008-05-10T00:31:32Z 2008-05-09T23:12:00Z                                                              

    I had planned on writing something really reflective like how I do but now I see I should have done it when the feeling came over me. Today is a special day and I don't think it will be any less special because of this post. I'm sure you'll let me know! I have not been in the "Mama Club" for long but Mother's Day has always been special to me all my life. When you read about me feeling as though there is a greater plan for myself and my life, I am speaking about many things. One thing I know is that I was purposely placed in the charge of two individuals who were prepared to prepare. I will speak on my father at another time because today is the day for mamas.

    My mother is a very kind woman and it has been woven in her thread. She possesses a hard earned resolve that I know is difficult for many to understand. There is a lot less pining and more doing. Her and I have evolved beautifully weathering the storms we encounter along the way. As I do with many people I know, I have tried to imagine what it is like to be her. What is it to raise not only myself but three other children? What is it to wake up and give more than you ever thought you could possess? What do you say and how do you lend support? I know it is not easy but as with everything there are the bright sides. I have always hoped that these bright sides have muted all of the uncertainty she has ever experienced.

    A mother's love is wild. I never thought motherhood was on my radar simply because I was a very selfish individual up until the point. There were times when I worried about what kind of mother I would be and how I was going to relate to my unborn. When he got here, I realized that motherhood isn't the kind of thing that requires much effort. My love for my son washed over me and it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It flows from an eternal stream, I don't even have to try. I am fortunate to be a mother and I am fortunate to be his mother. I revel in those soft chubby cheeks and the wet kisses.  I don't even know how I existed with any type of real happiness before him. One thing about us is that we love hard.

    He told me today that I was a great mother. I was elated but then he informed me that he didn't tell me yesterday because I wasn't then. I will take what I can get! From me to you, have an excellent Mother's Day!]]> The Makings of Me tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-05-01:0e8c0a5c-93a1-4ae1-a27b-fa1f1d1e5e4b MayaInspire 2008-05-01T23:59:34Z 2008-05-01T19:35:00Z From top to bottom, I am content with myself. I love the woman that I am and feel equally gracious for the journey that has assisted my arrival. I routinely scrutinize the pieces of my whole in an attempt to locate the essence of me. Who am I? I can rattle off a lengthy list of what my preferences are; what I like to eat and how I like to feel. How did I get this way and would my core self be dramatically different under different circumstances?

It was in college when I was first exposed to the nature versus nurture argument. At the time, it was just something to study so I could pass but I have revisited this notion many times since. I felt certain that we are beings who are culminations of the world around us and nothing more. If I erased my present upbringing and replaced it with torturous conditions, I most certainly would be writing very differently if at all. Children who have been through severe abuse, have a different worldview than those children coming of age in Beverly Hills. We are nothing more and nothing less than our circumstances... or so I thought.

There is nothing like a firsthand experience. I am fortunate enough to be the mother of a very kind soul. I sit at the helm of his ship and marvel at who he truly is. The terms that can be used to describe him are as colorful as his personality. His charm is disarming and this soliloquy is not simply rooted in a mother's love. He is an extraordinary human being that lacks the life experience I had previously thought we all needed to be at a certain point. Nature has emerged in my psyche like only nature can and I am humbled. Contrary to popular belief, MayaInspire knows how to reverse course.

All of this accelerating and reversing has deposited me at the feet of that age old question. I will answer an emphatic ‘NO’ before I even reveal the query. If I had to do my life over again, it would go exactly the same and you can put that on everything you own. If you have read long enough, you know that MayaInspire moves with a swagger. Unending valleys have crafted a ballsy and uncompromising spirit.

Have I missed out on some things? More than a few. My first breath set the wheels on a windy and unforgiving road. I was born a softy but I have been forced to armor myself at the simplest of moments. I have been hardened from pigtails. I mentally wrangled with issues my young mind was not biologically prepared to deal with. My life trumps spontaneity. I have more attention on me in one day than I could ever need in a lifetime. My rose tinted glasses were demolished before I could even discern the view. I have missed out on a few things.

It is not all bad; very few things are. Uncovering perfection in my existence is without effort. It was there before me and even now, it comes, and comes again. My childhood was comfortable and I have always been surrounded by good people and good things. I have overcome situations that were challenging with relative ease. With each successive step I have executed, I cannot help but feel the completeness of it all. This is what is meant for me and the more in line I am with that, the better off I will be.

I am in hopes now that if our paths ever cross, you will not need to ask, wonder about, or hint around that age old question. Through it all, I have found a tremendous love of self. How can I ever long for more? My worldview is different and I would not know how to function in someone else's. I am grateful for everything that has ever taken place in my life. Nature has joined forces with nurture to create the most pleasant of symphonies.]]> A Few Truths tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-04-25:3e4751fa-6a6e-4c11-9dab-f92bc402e5b1 MayaInspire 2008-07-12T18:57:39Z 2008-04-25T15:09:00Z I am firmly in control of this with "this" being my past, present, and my future.

I am the personification of sexy, therefore; there was never any need to bring it back because it never left.

I am here for not one but many reasons that will be revealed to me in their own time.

Black is beautiful. So is white, brown, red, purple, and green. If you are in it, work that shit like there's no tomorrow.

My life is so purposeful, it is often mistaken for an "accident." Nothing happened here but your ignorance, sweetie.

I am smarter than most. (PERIOD)

I am an awesome mother. I do not even feel I need to wait until my son is of age to confirm that.

When I combine hard work, a pure belief, and deep passion; nothing has ever escaped me.

Everything that has ever happened in my life has lead me to a point where I am more focused than I have ever been.

I love my body. It has given me my son and I wake up every single morning in great health.

I do not like wasting my time on the mundane thoughts, feelings, and actions of another. If you do, stay far far away.

I love chocolate.

The things that I have are paramount to the things that I do not have.

The stage was set long before I made it here. There is no imperfection amidst perfection.

I have given birth to not only a wonderful child but to an extraordinary human being.

There are several keys in this life that once acquired, unlock everything.

We are all here together to interact and enjoy so don't close yourself off to the possibilities.

Grow, grow, and then grow again.

My family is my fuel.

I bask in the things I enjoy to ensure that I will not have the time to think about the things that I do not enjoy.

Take it from me, life is what you make it.

]]> Discarded tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-04-22:20441870-4144-42a1-8870-582026aa0433 MayaInspire 2008-04-22T18:24:30Z 2008-04-22T17:03:00Z     I have always known that what you do not know can and oftentimes will hurt you. What I am coming to learn is that what you don't know has the power to haunt you. Here now, gone tomorrow. Will you agree that this is proper and necessary at times? What about when it comes to people? Individual beings with their own set of emotions, ideals, and free will just gone at the drop of a hat. You know what I mean. You have ignored that phone call or quieted the house due to that unexpected knock at the door. Avoided glances and deleted emails once you are done. DONE! Better you let the axe fall than they, right?

    This was my mantra. When I am done with you, that is it, and you will no longer cohort with MayaInspire. Mind you there was never anything specific that would trigger my "poof powder." It could be anything from a disagreement; maybe you lost something of mine, or didn't do what I asked you to do. Maybe it had nothing to do with me; you just didn’t dress well enough to suit my middle-school taste. Whatever it was, once you were gone, rest assured I did not give you another stinking thought... until now.

    I have been discarded on more than a few occasions and it was painful every time. I would always come up with some excuse to feel better like they will be lost without me or I'm better off without them. This is true in a few circumstances but on the whole, I was disappointed. It got me to thinking that maybe we as people are just discard machines. Always looking for the next great experience. A more exciting lover, an intriguing best friend, or a better coworker. Are we all living life constantly turning over the old for the new? Do I accept this for myself? Do I teach my son better, and if I do, can he carry this out on his own?

    I think further and come up with this idea of the moment. I get lost in my moments especially when they are really good. Are some people meant to accompany you in life for the period of time you are acquainted? Once this capsule of time dissolves, one of you has to come up with some way out. Now begins the deleted emails and unreturned phone calls all in the name of an expired experience. That seems so rough and wrong. I suppose I would be a very exhausted woman if I attempted to keep in touch with everyone I have ever known. Would the exhaustion pay dividends when I look at how my life has been enhanced? Just wondering.

    I believe that if I dig deep enough and exert enough effort, I can learn something from everything I am apart of. To be utterly honest with you (which I always try to be), I discard less because I let fewer people in. I would like to think of it as taking better care of MayaInspire. Not allowing the wrong people too close to her as they may be more vicious than she ever was. Realistically, I know that I have truncated my prospects for growth. The more people I truly know, the better off I will be. I suppose that is all I am really saying.]]> Getting What I Want tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-04-17:ba880726-b7fc-445e-b70f-acb6b7102f8e MayaInspire 2008-04-18T12:35:25Z 2008-04-17T19:42:00Z     I had a frustrating day today and who better to commiserate with than you? I had a doctor's appointment almost a year ago and was owed a refund just recently. After being promised a check in the mail, I begin looking for this week after week. I finally call them up and tell them I would like to come by and pick up my money. The nurse then tells me that I will have to wait for someone to call me back and let me know when my check is ready. Now this might be satisfactory for some, but it was not satisfactory for me. After a few tense words, I went down there anyway.

    I get there and was told to wait as "Barb" was in a meeting. I wait at the counter contemplating what threats would be appropriate for the occasion when I get summoned. A lady opens a back door and calls me into there like I'm a patient there to be seen. I figured they could see in my eyes that I was preparing to go all out in there. While in the back, everything was resolved and my check was cut. This whole event, exhilarating as it was, reminded me of something that I learned through much trial and error. It has opened my life up and made things simpler for me. I realized that wherever and however, I must get what it is that I want.

    Before you go rolling your eyes to another blog let me say that this is not the musings of a spoiled individual. As a child, I was probably one of the angrier pig tailed little girls you could ever come across. I suppose a psychologist might attribute it all to being frustrated with my life’s circumstances. I moved with a scowl on my face and a chip on my shoulder. I routinely missed out on people who came up to me with good intentions and encouraging words. I could not communicate any of my desires effectively enough to see anything to completion. I was constantly wound up until I realized that all of my behavior was holding me back from the goal. I was the impediment towards my own greater good. 

    This is an important concept that when used right, makes all situations easier. Before, I had a hard time discerning what it was that I wanted. I went into situations and dealt with people expecting certain outcomes. I was disappointed a lot because without a clearly defined goal anything was bound to happen. "What I want" has been many things over time and does not always relate back to me. There are times when I want my money and there are other times where I want the happiness and satisfaction of another. Whatever it happens to be in my life, I always try to clearly define it so that I may go after it.

    It is fun to go all out. Let off a little steam on a deserving chicken that is holding your money hostage. It took me some time to grasp that getting what I want rarely involves force or harsh words. I have calmed myself too many times to recount in the interest of my life running smoothly. I have contained many desires, held back when I wanted to just go, and said yes when I really wanted to say no. I have bit my tongue and waited hours, months, and years for the right thing. I now have a hold on what it means to measure my actions well enough so that they may coincide with my outcomes. I have never held myself out to be a perfect person, but, more often than not, I really do get what I want.]]> The Word Game tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-04-13:1f305fc3-8a59-42b6-b121-f4de4e3d468a MayaInspire 2008-04-17T10:48:22Z 2008-04-13T12:56:00Z     I have always considered myself a word girl. From very early on, I found comfort in these symbols that few things in my life could bring. I was a reader but I only wrote occasionally. I avoided the frustration that was bound to come if I lacked the right terms to what I felt. Even here, I try to take great care in the ways my thoughts are presented. They say the pen is mightier than the sword and I can get with that. Emotion is the impetus to all things good and bad and what better to stir that emotion than a well crafted speech or a fiery insult?

    Mr. Obama has ruffled a few feathers with his use of the word "bitter." I am a little lost on the controversy as I have been bitter more than a few times in my life. While in this bitter haze, I believe I was even called bitter more than once. Oh, the horror! Do not get me wrong, I know politicians in this phase should be more mindful of dotting their I's and crossing their T's. I suppose you could say I am making light of it all but that is automatic with me. As much as I love words, I only love them when they are my own. Crafted from my subconscious and gifted with my permission. Words thrown at me or utilized to describe me have never meant a thing. Can you imagine if they did?

    Words cannot stand on their own, they need a support to have any impact. A year into this world I was endowed with the ability to say anything that I wanted to say. While an awesome ability, I wish I were the only one. I have split seams with laughter, been moved to tears, and gutted with sorrow all because of words that later fell back on themselves. They lacked the requisite action, that supporting cast to breathe life. I have grown wiser and I always look for the proof in the pudding now.
 
    I base my living/life through these symbols. While powerful, they are only as powerful as we make them. Throughout my life I have had to twist these symbols, notions, and thoughts to work for me. The pen is mightier than the sword because it forces us to get at ourselves. These symbols are thrown around daily and we are then left to interpret in the quiet solitude of our subconscious. Will you laugh, will you cry, will you change your life course, or hit the back button? It is all up to us whether we want to ratchet that filter up and know when to exalt these words and when to let them fall back on themselves. 

]]> Hush yo Mouth tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-04-09:19444e76-3a23-4f12-87fc-8231eec89b7e MayaInspire 2008-04-13T15:05:59Z 2008-04-09T22:03:00Z        
  Why is it nothing good ever follows "can I ask you a question?" Maybe it's me but if you need to preface anything with that, chances are, you should not be asking. I get this question before a question ten times the amount you think I do. I cringe and just get that feeling you feel when you want to be done with the conversation. Is that harsh? Am I just a mean bitch who should understand a person's curiosity? Would it be preferable to smile, brew some coffee, and tell them everything they have ever wanted to know about me? It's just a little harmless fun, right?

    I have family and close associates who will sit you down and reveal everything from first kisses to secret recipes. Their lives are open books that are read aloud to any and all who pass. I call it "internal exhibitionism" and I don't hate on it but I have tried to understand it more in my quest to be more open. What is gained by bearing all? Is it narcissistic or is that they just don't mind revealing their most intimate thoughts and actions? I've come up with the idea that maybe they use this as a type of coping mechanism. An unburdening of life's happenings, both good and bad. Maybe they are hoping for some assistance in untangling the meaning behind their trials and tribulations.

    If I am correct, what about me? Am I so strong as to not need any consult? Is it strength or arrogance? I am who I am and I think that you trust that I am that who has a story. A story that is maybe painful. A story that gets dirt thrown on it too damned often. A story that fights to break free everytime I sit down at this computer screen. Might you help me untangle it all? I don't know but one thing is for certain: I'll never know unless I try. I've never met you before but my bets are that you are patient. Patiently brewing cup after cup for this "internal recluse" to sit back, exhale, and just take a little sip.
]]> Of Course tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-04-04:72353305-a325-4003-bcda-d788f86cf34e MayaInspire 2008-04-04T15:54:56Z 2008-04-04T00:00:00Z     I can think of no other place I would rather be than the course. A utopia to some, there is nothing but neatly manicured lawns and the smell of honeysuckle in the air. The course is laid out just as imagined and there is little need for a map, for I am so familiar, I can traverse it in my sleep. When I am here, I love it because I am surrounded by the familiar and bathed in my hard earned treasures. It is hard to think about ever leaving but when is it ever acceptable to you or I to burn that course? Burn that baby and sit back and watch with our chilled glass of champagne. Shrug it off and hoist our health to the wind as we deeply inhale the acrid fumes of days gone by with not so much as a cough.

    Quitting. Don't be bashful. I know you want to get out of your seat right now and scrub your skin raw just because I wrote it. An ugly word for an ugly thought with an even uglier implication. Screw it, damn it, bury it alive, encourage it. Quitting has no place above, beyond, or below our lives but when it comes to her we put a red bow on it and hand deliver. Her is she, she is Hillary, and Hillary are we. Comfortable on our rose laden course, sipping lemonade, and basking in the awe of it all. Should she or shouldn't she? We all harbor our own answers to that question with as many motivations in tow. It is so tough, it triggers my gag reflex.

    I was in college when it got me at the knees. I had wanted this certain position for so long and I was finally seated. A few months in, I was unable to see the course for the dense fog that had set in on me. I needed a flicker, a flame, a flare. Anything to burn this nightmare I had worked so hard to be in. When the ashes settled, a burned piece of my heart and mind remained. Was I now branded a quitter? Was there a “Scarlet Q” placed somewhere and I just could not find it? If so, by whom? 

    That was by no means my last arson adventure. There has been a few well meaning men who have made me keep my blow torch handy. Each time I meditate on whether I have done the right thing. Was I thorough enough? Did I give it everything in me? Were all the stones on my course turned over and obliterated for meaning? Quitting is savage and it eats at me everytime. I, MayaInspire, am a tenacious, strong woman who never concedes, never backs down, and doesn't know what a white flag even looks like. It sounds good... doesn't it? Let that resound loudly in your ears while I lead a practical existence, will ya?

    The course is so personal to each and every one of us it would be reckless to say whether another should step off of theirs. One thing I do know is that the only thing that should burn in all of this is my dear lighter. When I burn my courses, they become very hard to discern. Although I no longer sing to the heavens along lily-filled valleys, I need to preserve the course for future reference. Check back in to see what went wrong or what was so wrong that it turned out to be right. These days, I am no longer ashamed of getting off course. How else was I supposed to get back on?

]]> Pure Belief tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-03-22:309aa016-9aa8-433c-8ec8-b6d6d3306ee7 MayaInspire 2008-03-22T10:37:35Z 2008-03-22T00:52:00Z     I cannot sleep. I cannot sleep because a war is being raged in my honor. Knives are being unsheathed and sharpened because of me. Unsheathed, sharpened, and soaking in fermented fluid for the right sting and infestation. I have vowed to pull out all of the stops on this one. You might want to cover your eyes because not only am I kicking ass and taking names, I am slitting throats and burying remains. My foe is cunning like a mothafucka, but, once overthrown, I am victorious, I am unstoppable, I am master. My foe is alarming and is referred to as self-doubt. My prize?

                                                         Pure Belief

    Any and everything great has been birthed by a pure belief. Nothing is done without it and it takes responsibility for the cessation of all man-made impediments. Seat a pure belief at the table of your soul and strange things begin to happen. You will begin to move in ways you never have. Instinctively, your actions start to cater to this pure belief. These actions then act like keys to all of your life's previously locked trapdoors. You wake up and exist in something like a Matrix where all you meet play their role in breathing life into this belief. Pure belief is my inner ecstasy, and yes, I will fight until the death.

    I will fight until the death of a conniving son of a bitch. My victory begins with acknowledging this thing exists within me. Its razor teeth drip with the blood of my soul and its slow beating heart is timed to the extinguished breaths of my hopes and dreams. I will fight. I am turning over nervous smiles and snuffing questioning stares. I'm coming. I am armored against negative comments and my shovel is at the ready for those well calculated statistics. My approach is slow and steady because I know once I am aimed, I cannot miss.  

    My battle, like yours, is still being waged. It will continue to be waged in the hush of an early morning dawn and the hustle and bustle of an afternoon meeting. I will fight like somebody stole something as I have nothing to lose. It is what I will gain that has me geared up for battle. I yearn for pure belief with everything I have in me. Trust that I fight like hell everyday of my life. My battle is still being waged but once it is won...... watch out.]]> 3/20/08 tag:blog.mayainspire.com,2008-03-20:2a3c5e6d-609d-4683-a839-f9c8e6f4c7d5 MayaInspire 2008-03-20T23:12:16Z 2008-03-20T21:51:00Z                                 

    Today I ventured out to one of my favorite restaurants called PF Changs. I love good food and they usually do it for me. The past few times I have eaten there, my son has had an absolute fit. He would cry the whole time and had me questioning whether his "feung shui" was off in this restaurant. Today he was an angel. There was another young boy in there that was having quite a time though. No matter how his mother pleaded with him he persisted. Poor thing. It was funny seeing them in this same space how other customers probably sympathized with my son and I.

    I ordered my usual dishes. For some reason, when I eat out, I always stick to "my dish." I'm serious about loving good food and you would hate to see how deflated I get when I'm dissatisfied with my order. I ordered some sauteed spinach and broccoli. I immediately had them remove the spinach from my ticket because it was awful. The broccoli wasn't right either and the waitress admitted that they were wondering exactly how I wanted it. If you ask my son what his favorite food is he doesn't flinch when he answers about those little green trees. We're serious about our broccoli around here. After a few tries, I just accepted it. A woman then came from the back with some sauce saying that she had just remembered what I ordered the last time. Am I that memorable?

    The dinner ended up being delicious and all is well that ends well. These two benign events got me thinking about how children want what they want. A lot of behavior, inside and out of restaurants, has to do with them attempting to get their own way. Somewhere in between childhood and adulthood we lose that strong desire. At the time, I was thinking that the workers in the restaurant probably thought I was being difficult or worse--bitchy. They might think I'm ordering them around for fun or trying to get extra food on the fly. Maybe our genetic desire is extinguished by none other than ourselves. It's better to get along and go with the flow than cause one to do extra work. It's okay, I'll make do. Making do is good... but not when it comes to me and my broccoli! ]]>