A Day in the Life of MayaInspire

Freaks of Nature

MayaInspire — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 15:37:36 GMT

It has been longer than I had anticipated and for that, I apologize. I could go on about being busy or feeling "blocked" but I will spare you the excuses. Today is Father's Day. I figured I would broadcast that. There are too many communities and too many families who think that today is just Sunday. Luckily for me, I am not one of them. I talk a lot about the things that I have learned in my life and one of the hardest things I have ever learned was that I was fortunate to have a father living in the home with me. What kind of shit is that to learn? I am appalled.

I had a wonderful childhood and my father was the peak to that pyramid. He was the glue that held it all together throughout the good and the hellation. There was no cutting and running. Fatherhood was always seen as a plus. They say the best gift you can give a child is the love of their mother. I am feeling that. To be locked into something for a year is challenging but to commit to anything for a lifetime is tricky. We are talking about daily checks and balances, stifling your individual self for the greater good, and doing it all again for another generation if necessary. The stakes are high in the sky and the rewards do not stop. If you have children, you have not lived until you have struggled day in and day out with your child. Thank you Dad, I am better for it.

I feel like a father as any single mother should. I want to take this space of cyber world to wish a heartfelt Happy Father's Day to all of my compatriots in this struggle. Remember it is honorable and it is without shame.

I contemplated not even going here as it makes me want to savagely eat my heart out. I am constantly trying to find meaning behind this “deadbeat dad” phenomenon that too many are familiar with. Here is what I have come up with:

In nature, I know that there are very few species of animals who even have a male present at birth. Here, it is more of like spreading their seed through ritualistic mating. They don't know the baby and the baby doesn't know them. Ok, cool. Maybe we are more like animals than we think and those who stay and raise their children are freaks of nature. Strike that.

I keep thinking and since I am a black woman, my mind turns to black men. We as African Americans have historically been through more than our fair share. Life is hard and arguably harder on a black man. Many are in prison behind a justice system whose methods of punishment lacks uniformity. This has in turn permanently separated them from any children they may have. Shucks! Racism is an ugly thing that is dealt with in the most unexpected places. It is not easy to deal with and it is not for me or anyone to speculate on the psychological effects it brings. Maybe deadbeat dads are so downtrodden by the daily act of living that we all take for granted that it then becomes next to impossible for them to be around for what comes out of a night of passion that they have entered into in an attempt to numb the ever present pain they feel about themselves. Those black men who stay on the straight and narrow and raise their children are simply freaks of nature. Strike that.

I keep thinking and then it's like shame on me. How could I not invoke the "softer side" of MayaInspire? These deadbeat dads are in need of sympathy and a tissue. Here they are just trying to engage in a guilt free night of passion and they are so unfortunate as to stumble across their worst nightmare: a crazy woman who is not up on her birth control. Maybe they knew her, maybe they didn't. All that matters now is that she is crazy. He doesn't want a baby and he can't get an abortion. From the sex to the aftermath it should remain all about him. Now, he has something like a parasite on him who makes frequent visits to judges and shows up unexpectedly at his job. Maybe deadbeat dads can't shake her and the mere thought of her clouds any thought of a poor defenseless child who supposedly has half of his DNA but that's just what he read so now he must lace up and run away from the biggest mistake he has ever made and pray to more than one God that this "incident(s)" won't one day come back and bite him in his rancid ass. Those men who suck it up and stick it out are mere freaks of nature. Strike that.

To all of the fathers out there, keep doing what you are doing. Despite my softer side, I give no trophies for taking care of business. You don’t need my trophy anyway, you already have the prize.

There is nothing above or under the sun that should keep a man away from his child. To the deadbeat dads out there, I do not have enough vile words in my vocabulary to dispatch you properly. The good thing is I do not need them. I know firsthand what you are missing. I question the need for your very existence. I feel sorry for you. Here you are without enough foresight to avail yourself of the one thing that can bring you the most growth, joy, prosperity, and love imaginable. A true freak of nature.

From Easy Street

MayaInspire — Sun, 18 May 2008 22:51:13 GMT

My smile has come out of hiding and has suffered through a stern talking to. It was partially ironic that the very next day following the previous entry, everything came up roses. Early to bed does more than precede early to rise. I have needed a replacement to my current chair a day after I received it. Unfortunately, it takes a few years and I went to see about ordering another chair. The one that I have now is big and clunky and I had vowed to spend time to get it right. I researched to find a company and I'm confident I made the right choice. It's run by a rather large man with a larger personality. The man that handles sales is his brother-in-law and I was immediately tag-teamed with jokes and sarcasm.

MayaInspire is typically on the serious side of things but I like a little hee-haw every now and again. I spent a total of 4 hours in there with them exploring my options and settling details. In the midst of it all he blurts out "no, you don't want that because that looks too handicapped!" It was all in a joking way ofcourse but that didn't stop the ire from rising. Your girl played it off well, he had no idea that he had just thrown out the equivalent of a putrid carcass in front of me. I know you are probably scratching your head wondering what has gone wrong and I suppose I am as well. I touched on this problem a little bit in The Word Game. Typically, this is not a game I enjoy playing simply because the odds of losing are too great.

I recently had a conversation about titles and perceptions. Someone had gone into a car dealership looking to finance but was declined because he was a "truck driver." A little research and you too will find that there is money to be made in the profession but that clearly is beside the point. He tried the same dealership a few months later but was now a "transport specialist." He left driving a brand new financed car. Someone out there please tell me if it is indeed true that "I comes before E except after Y." I will call you personally because I'm struggling over here. Housewives have morphed into homemakers; secretaries into administrative assistants; strippers to exotic dancers; and ex's are now glorified as baby mamas. I'm not mad at cha, do your thing.

Realities tend to stay the same while these words get dipped in a vat of gold to re-emerge anew. I am dipping, I am dipping right now as we speak/read/write. I heard through the grapevine that reality bites. It has bit me on far too many occasions and there are instances where the Neosporin can't heal one bite before I get another. It is hard and there are no breaks. There are no breaks but I know that bows come by the trillions. There are red bows, pink bows, sky blue, and they even come in my favorite which is lime green. These bows are daintily placed on new and exciting words that redefine ugly and harsh associations thus disassociating us from our realities. Whew, just when I thought we were without a fix!

He is a kind man with a strong desire to hook your girl up. He had no idea, he really didn't. I mean, how could he have known that he was sitting across from a woman who has holes the size of craters in her backyard? These gaping holes have yet to yield an exit from the word game. Until I can successfully dig my way out, let's me and you come to an agreement. We are going to erase "~~handicapped~~" from the hearts and minds of everybody. In its place we'll put a word that means sexy as all get out. It will mean defining my world the way that I see it; steadily learning and steadily growing. It will mean overcoming in ways that are the same and starkly different from you. It will mean a life worth living. Suggestions are welcome.

Way More Than Half

MayaInspire — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:27:59 GMT

    I am having a rough go of it today. Because I named this site MayaInspire, must I always inspire? Should I always wear the mask and deliver up only good and positive messages? That would make you feel better about reading wouldn't it? Is it always about you or can I also come here to share and relate through the good and the bad. Is it me or is there a tendency towards roboticism in everyday life? Just turn on the radio and listen to your favorite DJ. Do they ever have bad days? Do news casters ever worry about anything at all? From the looks of things I would posit no. I understand that we want to concern ourselves with positivity and have a bright outlook but can we really pull it off every single day?

    I increasingly put forth more effort to be in control of my thoughts and emotions. Can I max out without ever really achieving a state of absolute positivity? Am I striving for something that cannot be done? I often feel that I am. Maybe the battle is won with 87% positivity or maybe I'm just punking out. It is not on my good days that I need the most effort. It is on days like today where I must give all that I have to stay happy and hopeful. I am steadily monitoring my thoughts so that they stay on the productive side and resist being swallowed by uncertainty. I am struggling but I suppose it is good that I know when I need to bear down.

    I like being a positive person but more than that, I want to be real. A real person's emotions run the gamut. I hate it when a person has 360 days where they are perfect but they are judged based on the 5 days that were less than stellar. The pendulum swings both ways and that should be acknowledged and accepted. Resist roboticism. 87% is way more than half...

Mama

MayaInspire — Sat, 10 May 2008 00:31:32 GMT

    I had planned on writing something really reflective like how I do but now I see I should have done it when the feeling came over me. Today is a special day and I don't think it will be any less special because of this post. I'm sure you'll let me know! I have not been in the "Mama Club" for long but Mother's Day has always been special to me all my life. When you read about me feeling as though there is a greater plan for myself and my life, I am speaking about many things. One thing I know is that I was purposely placed in the charge of two individuals who were prepared to prepare. I will speak on my father at another time because today is the day for mamas.

    My mother is a very kind woman and it has been woven in her thread. She possesses a hard earned resolve that I know is difficult for many to understand. There is a lot less pining and more doing. Her and I have evolved beautifully weathering the storms we encounter along the way. As I do with many people I know, I have tried to imagine what it is like to be her. What is it to raise not only myself but three other children? What is it to wake up and give more than you ever thought you could possess? What do you say and how do you lend support? I know it is not easy but as with everything there are the bright sides. I have always hoped that these bright sides have muted all of the uncertainty she has ever experienced.

    A mother's love is wild. I never thought motherhood was on my radar simply because I was a very selfish individual up until the point. There were times when I worried about what kind of mother I would be and how I was going to relate to my unborn. When he got here, I realized that motherhood isn't the kind of thing that requires much effort. My love for my son washed over me and it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It flows from an eternal stream, I don't even have to try. I am fortunate to be a mother and I am fortunate to be his mother. I revel in those soft chubby cheeks and the wet kisses. I don't even know how I existed with any type of real happiness before him. One thing about us is that we love hard.

    He told me today that I was a great mother. I was elated but then he informed me that he didn't tell me yesterday because I wasn't then. I will take what I can get! From me to you, have an excellent Mother's Day!

The Makings of Me

MayaInspire — Thu, 01 May 2008 23:59:42 GMT

From top to bottom, I am content with myself. I love the woman that I am and feel equally gracious for the journey that has assisted my arrival. I routinely scrutinize the pieces of my whole in an attempt to locate the essence of me. Who am I? I can rattle off a lengthy list of what my preferences are; what I like to eat and how I like to feel. How did I get this way and would my core self be dramatically different under different circumstances?

It was in college when I was first exposed to the nature versus nurture argument. At the time, it was just something to study so I could pass but I have revisited this notion many times since. I felt certain that we are beings who are culminations of the world around us and nothing more. If I erased my present upbringing and replaced it with torturous conditions, I most certainly would be writing very differently if at all. Children who have been through severe abuse, have a different worldview than those children coming of age in Beverly Hills. We are nothing more and nothing less than our circumstances... or so I thought.

There is nothing like a firsthand experience. I am fortunate enough to be the mother of a very kind soul. I sit at the helm of his ship and marvel at who he truly is. The terms that can be used to describe him are as colorful as his personality. His charm is disarming and this soliloquy is not simply rooted in a mother's love. He is an extraordinary human being that lacks the life experience I had previously thought we all needed to be at a certain point. Nature has emerged in my psyche like only nature can and I am humbled. Contrary to popular belief, MayaInspire knows how to reverse course.

All of this accelerating and reversing has deposited me at the feet of that age old question. I will answer an emphatic ‘NO’ before I even reveal the query. If I had to do my life over again, it would go exactly the same and you can put that on everything you own. If you have read long enough, you know that MayaInspire moves with a swagger. Unending valleys have crafted a ballsy and uncompromising spirit.

Have I missed out on some things? More than a few. My first breath set the wheels on a windy and unforgiving road. I was born a softy but I have been forced to armor myself at the simplest of moments. I have been hardened from pigtails. I mentally wrangled with issues my young mind was not biologically prepared to deal with. My life trumps spontaneity. I have more attention on me in one day than I could ever need in a lifetime. My rose tinted glasses were demolished before I could even discern the view. I have missed out on a few things.

It is not all bad; very few things are. Uncovering perfection in my existence is without effort. It was there before me and even now, it comes, and comes again. My childhood was comfortable and I have always been surrounded by good people and good things. I have overcome situations that were challenging with relative ease. With each successive step I have executed, I cannot help but feel the completeness of it all. This is what is meant for me and the more in line I am with that, the better off I will be.

I am in hopes now that if our paths ever cross, you will not need to ask, wonder about, or hint around that age old question. Through it all, I have found a tremendous love of self. How can I ever long for more? My worldview is different and I would not know how to function in someone else's. I am grateful for everything that has ever taken place in my life. Nature has joined forces with nurture to create the most pleasant of symphonies.

A Few Truths

MayaInspire — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 15:38:15 GMT

I am firmly in control of this with "this" being my past, present, and my future.

I am the personification of sexy, therefore; there was never any need to bring it back because it never left.

I am here for not one but many reasons that will be revealed to me in their own time.

Black is beautiful. So is white, brown, red, purple, and green. If you are in it, work that shit like there's no tomorrow.

My life is so purposeful, it is often mistaken for an "accident." Nothing happened here but your ignorance, sweetie.

I am smarter than most. (PERIOD)

I am an awesome mother. I do not even feel I need to wait until my son is of age to confirm that.

When I combine hard work, a pure belief, and deep passion; nothing has ever escaped me.

Everything that has ever happened in my life has lead me to a point where I am more focused than I have ever been.

I love my body. It has given me my son and I wake up every single morning in great health.

I do not like wasting my time on the mundane thoughts, feelings, and actions of another. If you do, stay far far away.

I love chocolate.

The things that I have are paramount to the things that I do not have.

The stage was set long before I made it here. There is no imperfection amidst perfection.

I have given birth to not only a wonderful child but to an extraordinary human being.

There are several keys in this life that once acquired, unlock everything.

We are all here together to interact and enjoy so don't close yourself off to the possibilities.

Grow, grow, and then grow again.

My family is my fuel.

I bask in the things I enjoy to ensure that I will not have the time to think about the things that I do not enjoy.

Take it from me, life is what you make it.

Discarded

MayaInspire — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 18:24:30 GMT

    I have always known that what you do not know can and oftentimes will hurt you. What I am coming to learn is that what you don't know has the power to haunt you. Here now, gone tomorrow. Will you agree that this is proper and necessary at times? What about when it comes to people? Individual beings with their own set of emotions, ideals, and free will just gone at the drop of a hat. You know what I mean. You have ignored that phone call or quieted the house due to that unexpected knock at the door. Avoided glances and deleted emails once you are done. DONE! Better you let the axe fall than they, right?

    This was my mantra. When I am done with you, that is it, and you will no longer cohort with MayaInspire. Mind you there was never anything specific that would trigger my "poof powder." It could be anything from a disagreement; maybe you lost something of mine, or didn't do what I asked you to do. Maybe it had nothing to do with me; you just didn’t dress well enough to suit my middle-school taste. Whatever it was, once you were gone, rest assured I did not give you another stinking thought... until now.

    I have been discarded on more than a few occasions and it was painful every time. I would always come up with some excuse to feel better like they will be lost without me or I'm better off without them. This is true in a few circumstances but on the whole, I was disappointed. It got me to thinking that maybe we as people are just discard machines. Always looking for the next great experience. A more exciting lover, an intriguing best friend, or a better coworker. Are we all living life constantly turning over the old for the new? Do I accept this for myself? Do I teach my son better, and if I do, can he carry this out on his own?

    I think further and come up with this idea of the moment. I get lost in my moments especially when they are really good. Are some people meant to accompany you in life for the period of time you are acquainted? Once this capsule of time dissolves, one of you has to come up with some way out. Now begins the deleted emails and unreturned phone calls all in the name of an expired experience. That seems so rough and wrong. I suppose I would be a very exhausted woman if I attempted to keep in touch with everyone I have ever known. Would the exhaustion pay dividends when I look at how my life has been enhanced? Just wondering.

    I believe that if I dig deep enough and exert enough effort, I can learn something from everything I am apart of. To be utterly honest with you (which I always try to be), I discard less because I let fewer people in. I would like to think of it as taking better care of MayaInspire. Not allowing the wrong people too close to her as they may be more vicious than she ever was. Realistically, I know that I have truncated my prospects for growth. The more people I truly know, the better off I will be. I suppose that is all I am really saying.

Getting What I Want

MayaInspire — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 12:35:25 GMT

    I had a frustrating day today and who better to commiserate with than you? I had a doctor's appointment almost a year ago and was owed a refund just recently. After being promised a check in the mail, I begin looking for this week after week. I finally call them up and tell them I would like to come by and pick up my money. The nurse then tells me that I will have to wait for someone to call me back and let me know when my check is ready. Now this might be satisfactory for some, but it was not satisfactory for me. After a few tense words, I went down there anyway.

    I get there and was told to wait as "Barb" was in a meeting. I wait at the counter contemplating what threats would be appropriate for the occasion when I get summoned. A lady opens a back door and calls me into there like I'm a patient there to be seen. I figured they could see in my eyes that I was preparing to go all out in there. While in the back, everything was resolved and my check was cut. This whole event, exhilarating as it was, reminded me of something that I learned through much trial and error. It has opened my life up and made things simpler for me. I realized that wherever and however, I must get what it is that I want.

    Before you go rolling your eyes to another blog let me say that this is not the musings of a spoiled individual. As a child, I was probably one of the angrier pig tailed little girls you could ever come across. I suppose a psychologist might attribute it all to being frustrated with my life’s circumstances. I moved with a scowl on my face and a chip on my shoulder. I routinely missed out on people who came up to me with good intentions and encouraging words. I could not communicate any of my desires effectively enough to see anything to completion. I was constantly wound up until I realized that all of my behavior was holding me back from the goal. I was the impediment towards my own greater good.

    This is an important concept that when used right, makes all situations easier. Before, I had a hard time discerning what it was that I wanted. I went into situations and dealt with people expecting certain outcomes. I was disappointed a lot because without a clearly defined goal anything was bound to happen. "What I want" has been many things over time and does not always relate back to me. There are times when I want my money and there are other times where I want the happiness and satisfaction of another. Whatever it happens to be in my life, I always try to clearly define it so that I may go after it.

    It is fun to go all out. Let off a little steam on a deserving chicken that is holding your money hostage. It took me some time to grasp that getting what I want rarely involves force or harsh words. I have calmed myself too many times to recount in the interest of my life running smoothly. I have contained many desires, held back when I wanted to just go, and said yes when I really wanted to say no. I have bit my tongue and waited hours, months, and years for the right thing. I now have a hold on what it means to measure my actions well enough so that they may coincide with my outcomes. I have never held myself out to be a perfect person, but, more often than not, I really do get what I want.

The Word Game

MayaInspire — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:48:22 GMT

    I have always considered myself a word girl. From very early on, I found comfort in these symbols that few things in my life could bring. I was a reader but I only wrote occasionally. I avoided the frustration that was bound to come if I lacked the right terms to what I felt. Even here, I try to take great care in the ways my thoughts are presented. They say the pen is mightier than the sword and I can get with that. Emotion is the impetus to all things good and bad and what better to stir that emotion than a well crafted speech or a fiery insult?

    Mr. Obama has ruffled a few feathers with his use of the word "bitter." I am a little lost on the controversy as I have been bitter more than a few times in my life. While in this bitter haze, I believe I was even called bitter more than once. Oh, the horror! Do not get me wrong, I know politicians in this phase should be more mindful of dotting their I's and crossing their T's. I suppose you could say I am making light of it all but that is automatic with me. As much as I love words, I only love them when they are my own. Crafted from my subconscious and gifted with my permission. Words thrown at me or utilized to describe me have never meant a thing. Can you imagine if they did?

    Words cannot stand on their own, they need a support to have any impact. A year into this world I was endowed with the ability to say anything that I wanted to say. While an awesome ability, I wish I were the only one. I have split seams with laughter, been moved to tears, and gutted with sorrow all because of words that later fell back on themselves. They lacked the requisite action, that supporting cast to breathe life. I have grown wiser and I always look for the proof in the pudding now.

    I base my living/life through these symbols. While powerful, they are only as powerful as we make them. Throughout my life I have had to twist these symbols, notions, and thoughts to work for me. The pen is mightier than the sword because it forces us to get at ourselves. These symbols are thrown around daily and we are then left to interpret in the quiet solitude of our subconscious. Will you laugh, will you cry, will you change your life course, or hit the back button? It is all up to us whether we want to ratchet that filter up and know when to exalt these words and when to let them fall back on themselves.

Hush yo Mouth

MayaInspire — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 15:05:59 GMT

  Why is it nothing good ever follows "can I ask you a question?" Maybe it's me but if you need to preface anything with that, chances are, you should not be asking. I get this question before a question ten times the amount you think I do. I cringe and just get that feeling you feel when you want to be done with the conversation. Is that harsh? Am I just a mean bitch who should understand a person's curiosity? Would it be preferable to smile, brew some coffee, and tell them everything they have ever wanted to know about me? It's just a little harmless fun, right?

    I have family and close associates who will sit you down and reveal everything from first kisses to secret recipes. Their lives are open books that are read aloud to any and all who pass. I call it "internal exhibitionism" and I don't hate on it but I have tried to understand it more in my quest to be more open. What is gained by bearing all? Is it narcissistic or is that they just don't mind revealing their most intimate thoughts and actions? I've come up with the idea that maybe they use this as a type of coping mechanism. An unburdening of life's happenings, both good and bad. Maybe they are hoping for some assistance in untangling the meaning behind their trials and tribulations.

    If I am correct, what about me? Am I so strong as to not need any consult? Is it strength or arrogance? I am who I am and I think that you trust that I am that who has a story. A story that is maybe painful. A story that gets dirt thrown on it too damned often. A story that fights to break free everytime I sit down at this computer screen. Might you help me untangle it all? I don't know but one thing is for certain: I'll never know unless I try. I've never met you before but my bets are that you are patient. Patiently brewing cup after cup for this "internal recluse" to sit back, exhale, and just take a little sip.

Of Course

MayaInspire — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:54:56 GMT

    I can think of no other place I would rather be than the course. A utopia to some, there is nothing but neatly manicured lawns and the smell of honeysuckle in the air. The course is laid out just as imagined and there is little need for a map, for I am so familiar, I can traverse it in my sleep. When I am here, I love it because I am surrounded by the familiar and bathed in my hard earned treasures. It is hard to think about ever leaving but when is it ever acceptable to you or I to burn that course? Burn that baby and sit back and watch with our chilled glass of champagne. Shrug it off and hoist our health to the wind as we deeply inhale the acrid fumes of days gone by with not so much as a cough.

    Quitting. Don't be bashful. I know you want to get out of your seat right now and scrub your skin raw just because I wrote it. An ugly word for an ugly thought with an even uglier implication. Screw it, damn it, bury it alive, encourage it. Quitting has no place above, beyond, or below our lives but when it comes to her we put a red bow on it and hand deliver. Her is she, she is Hillary, and Hillary are we. Comfortable on our rose laden course, sipping lemonade, and basking in the awe of it all. Should she or shouldn't she? We all harbor our own answers to that question with as many motivations in tow. It is so tough, it triggers my gag reflex.

    I was in college when it got me at the knees. I had wanted this certain position for so long and I was finally seated. A few months in, I was unable to see the course for the dense fog that had set in on me. I needed a flicker, a flame, a flare. Anything to burn this nightmare I had worked so hard to be in. When the ashes settled, a burned piece of my heart and mind remained. Was I now branded a quitter? Was there a “Scarlet Q” placed somewhere and I just could not find it? If so, by whom?

    That was by no means my last arson adventure. There has been a few well meaning men who have made me keep my blow torch handy. Each time I meditate on whether I have done the right thing. Was I thorough enough? Did I give it everything in me? Were all the stones on my course turned over and obliterated for meaning? Quitting is savage and it eats at me everytime. I, MayaInspire, am a tenacious, strong woman who never concedes, never backs down, and doesn't know what a white flag even looks like. It sounds good... doesn't it? Let that resound loudly in your ears while I lead a practical existence, will ya?

The course is so personal to each and every one of us it would be reckless to say whether another should step off of theirs. One thing I do know is that the only thing that should burn in all of this is my dear lighter. When I burn my courses, they become very hard to discern. Although I no longer sing to the heavens along lily-filled valleys, I need to preserve the course for future reference. Check back in to see what went wrong or what was so wrong that it turned out to be right. These days, I am no longer ashamed of getting off course. How else was I supposed to get back on?

Pure Belief

MayaInspire — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 10:37:35 GMT

    I cannot sleep. I cannot sleep because a war is being raged in my honor. Knives are being unsheathed and sharpened because of me. Unsheathed, sharpened, and soaking in fermented fluid for the right sting and infestation. I have vowed to pull out all of the stops on this one. You might want to cover your eyes because not only am I kicking ass and taking names, I am slitting throats and burying remains. My foe is cunning like a mothafucka, but, once overthrown, I am victorious, I am unstoppable, I am master. My foe is alarming and is referred to as self-doubt. My prize?

                                                         Pure Belief

    Any and everything great has been birthed by a pure belief. Nothing is done without it and it takes responsibility for the cessation of all man-made impediments. Seat a pure belief at the table of your soul and strange things begin to happen. You will begin to move in ways you never have. Instinctively, your actions start to cater to this pure belief. These actions then act like keys to all of your life's previously locked trapdoors. You wake up and exist in something like a Matrix where all you meet play their role in breathing life into this belief. Pure belief is my inner ecstasy, and yes, I will fight until the death.

    I will fight until the death of a conniving son of a bitch. My victory begins with acknowledging this thing exists within me. Its razor teeth drip with the blood of my soul and its slow beating heart is timed to the extinguished breaths of my hopes and dreams. I will fight. I am turning over nervous smiles and snuffing questioning stares. I'm coming. I am armored against negative comments and my shovel is at the ready for those well calculated statistics. My approach is slow and steady because I know once I am aimed, I cannot miss.

    My battle, like yours, is still being waged. It will continue to be waged in the hush of an early morning dawn and the hustle and bustle of an afternoon meeting. I will fight like somebody stole something as I have nothing to lose. It is what I will gain that has me geared up for battle. I yearn for pure belief with everything I have in me. Trust that I fight like hell everyday of my life. My battle is still being waged but once it is won...... watch out.

3/20/08

MayaInspire — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 23:12:16 GMT

    Today I ventured out to one of my favorite restaurants called PF Changs. I love good food and they usually do it for me. The past few times I have eaten there, my son has had an absolute fit. He would cry the whole time and had me questioning whether his "feung shui" was off in this restaurant. Today he was an angel. There was another young boy in there that was having quite a time though. No matter how his mother pleaded with him he persisted. Poor thing. It was funny seeing them in this same space how other customers probably sympathized with my son and I.

    I ordered my usual dishes. For some reason, when I eat out, I always stick to "my dish." I'm serious about loving good food and you would hate to see how deflated I get when I'm dissatisfied with my order. I ordered some sauteed spinach and broccoli. I immediately had them remove the spinach from my ticket because it was awful. The broccoli wasn't right either and the waitress admitted that they were wondering exactly how I wanted it. If you ask my son what his favorite food is he doesn't flinch when he answers about those little green trees. We're serious about our broccoli around here. After a few tries, I just accepted it. A woman then came from the back with some sauce saying that she had just remembered what I ordered the last time. Am I that memorable?

    The dinner ended up being delicious and all is well that ends well. These two benign events got me thinking about how children want what they want. A lot of behavior, inside and out of restaurants, has to do with them attempting to get their own way. Somewhere in between childhood and adulthood we lose that strong desire. At the time, I was thinking that the workers in the restaurant probably thought I was being difficult or worse--bitchy. They might think I'm ordering them around for fun or trying to get extra food on the fly. Maybe our genetic desire is extinguished by none other than ourselves. It's better to get along and go with the flow than cause one to do extra work. It's okay, I'll make do. Making do is good... but not when it comes to me and my broccoli!

The Vase

MayaInspire — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 15:41:39 GMT

I imagine a beautiful glass vase that is tall, breathtaking, and structurally sound. It falls to the floor and breaks into many different pieces, barely resembling its former self. If it is then glued back together, with all of the tiny pieces held together with neighboring tiny pieces, is it still beautiful? I think about human beings as being tiny pieces of a beautiful whole. Tiny pieces consistently highlighting the differences in shape, size, and color of its fellow neighboring tiny pieces. Certain pieces feeling superior about their position because they are bigger and better able to hold other more tiny pieces together. Is division romantic?

From my vantage point it is. Based on everything I have ever learned in college, I have exactly 3 strikes against me. I am black- strike one; I am a woman- strike two; I have a "disability"- strike three. Am I out now? Out of what? My life as strikes...hmmmm. I suppose my "strikes" are all things your senses take in about me at first glance. You take me in and then proceed to judge me based on these things. You judge my intellect, my abilities, and my accomplishments in life. I want you to know that in the midst of your judging, I'm unconcerned. I won't take it personally though because I know I'm not alone.

There are more things that divide people than unite them, right? I suppose it's all in how you look at things. Do you bleed red blood? Check. Do you have to blink every few seconds? Check. When you're drinking and you get choked up, do you swallow really fast and then proceed to cough so violently your stomach hurts? Cheeeeeeck! When you get down to it, we are all the same. We harbor very subtle differences that, for some reason, we choose to highlight. Maybe we all suffer from low self-esteem so we use the next person to measure our worthiness.

I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure out the how's and why's. I would rather spend the rest of my life living happily and unconcerned. I will never change the way I am perceived at first glance. I will never change the "classes" that we are all placed in from that special time we call birth. What I can do is step back and disassociate myself from the chatter of fractured pieces. The vase exists because of my uniquely shaped piece. It is different and it maintains differently. How beautiful is that?

Immersion

MayaInspire — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 11:40:03 GMT

Do you ever wish you could stumble across that little wizard in Oz and simply tell him where in time you want to be placed? He will shake his wand and POOF! Instantly, you are teleported to a simpler time. A time that is warm and fuzzy? A time that you just loved yourself and those around you? A time that you successfully squandered? Huh? Welcome to the real world. My name is MayaInspire and I will be your guide.

The first stop, ladies and gentleman, is yesterday. You affectionately call this “the good ol days.” These are the times in your life when you had less wrinkles on your face because there was less worry in your brain. You were fancy free with pep in your step. Your smile was a plus and your waist was a minus. There was a place for everything and you didn’t even have to try to get everything in its place. The air was cleaner and the water was pure. Anywhere you needed to go, you made it on time. The good ol days wrap you like a soft warm blanket, don’t they?

Snap out of it because your next stop has just punched you in the gut. It is called today and the sucker punches are thrown without warning. There is no such thing as the good foot with today because you don’t even know where you are stepping. You wander aimlessly doing tasks in a haze. In today, you can hardly see in front of you so you turn around and look back behind you. You look behind you diligently trying to discern those good ol days.

    Have you ever stopped to realize that today, right now, are the infamous good ol days? I think back to what I was doing last year around this time and I long for it. I squint and think back harder to check whether or not I was laughing as I should. Did I smile at my company and savor the flavor? Needless to say my crystal ball is missing from view so I know I could not look into it then to see how I would be longing for that day today. Are you still with me? As with most of my faux pas, I am trying hard to remedy this now. They call it taking things for granted and I am guilty as charged. I have shamelessly floated through precious moments in my life looking for better ones.

    Our final stop is HERE.

    Even the word “utopia” sounds perfect doesn’t it? It sounds worth flipping over rocks and looking under tables for this experience that will explode the mind. The truth is that we are living our utopia everyday. To find it, the blinders need to be ripped off and disposed of. Confine this day for it is a beautiful opportunity that will render all other times, past and present, inconsequential. When I strive for immersion, there is no longing for days passed as I am too busy extracting the day.

IT

MayaInspire — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 00:53:27 GMT

    With my birthday fast approaching, I am thinking tirelessly about this notion of time. I am sure you know my feelings never involve depression or stress as I am the one who can delight in another day. I know I am better with time and I will not bemoan another year. You have found me at one of my most reflective times. If you have not caught on, the view through my lens is hard for most to discern. Trust me when I say that time is my greatest supporter.

    The calendar year is a great way to provide structure and to put everyone in the world in sync. I do not detract from this, but for me, the calendar is good for nothing else. My birthday will be another glorious routine of the sun rising and the sun setting, and hopefully, I will have some laughter thrown in. What I always look forward to is the progression that I see in my life. I am more relaxed than I have ever been. I am able to find the good in the minute and I am at a point where I am confident enough with Maya, to share her with the world. Imagine that.

    I squirm when I think back on my life and times. I acted in ways that are shameful to admit. I was once so uncomfortable being me that I wore the same jacket everyday. My mother would always make sure it was washed, clean, and ready. There was never any discussion about what I was going to wear that day. Who knew an item of clothing could provide such security? No amount of heat could unearth my confidence. I did not want anybody looking at me and my jacket swindled me into thinking nobody was.

    Eating out was excruciating. I never wanted anyone to see how I ate. There were times when my parents forced me to roll up my sleeve but they even had to abandon the push. Eyes were on me and my eyes were most definitely on them. I could not even enjoy my meal because the task of deflecting prying eyes was so cumbersome. Are you looking at me? Because I am looking at you, and we can look all night.

    I remember times where I would not say anything because I didn't feel like I had anything good to contribute to the conversation. The teacher would throw out a question and no one would know the answer but me. Needless to say the query went unanswered. My first "boyfriend" and I would just sit there and stare at each other because the last thing I wanted was to say something inappropriate. How would I forgive myself then?

    Time is a beautiful thing. When I reminisce, one thing I know is that IT was always there. I love IT because IT laid back in the cut. IT bided its time until I was ready. IT then emerged with a vengeance. If you met me today, I would ask you out to dinner. I would be feeling and looking better than you have ever witnessed anyone feeling and looking. If I needed your assistance, I would politely ask and something tells me you would oblige. I would then proceed to serve you IT on a gold platter all night long. IT would smack you in the face and tickle you in the belly to the point where you wonder where IT has been your whole life. IT was certainly worth waiting for and I am so pleased to have the opportunity to share IT                     with you.

That Old Hag

MayaInspire — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 03:22:39 GMT

I am impatient with patience. A new friend of mine brought up this old hag and I was forced to think about her and discuss her again. She is ugly and hunched over with a wart on her nose. I hate to see her coming. I thought I had thrown her out of my mind and dead bolted the door so I could get on with the business of worrying. I worry with my good friend stress. We get along fine him and I. Me and stress draw hearts in the sand, we play footsies under the table because he knows when I can't keep them still. I prefer his company because he knows me best. We have, after all, been lifelong friends. He keeps me company in the wee hours of the morning. On my toes, eyes red, stomach churning, and mind whizzing. When stress pushes me too fast, as he always does, I have a few in my life who like to bring up the old hag. Throw her out there in conversation until I can see the screws busting loose. Stress runs away from my side in a desperate attempt to take cover. Before I can get reinforcements, her ugly self has made it in and she starts staring me in the face. She looks deep into my eyes with disappointment and I start to see everything I have been missing. I am looking to learn and she reveals all of the missteps and blown opportunities that I have squandered in her absence. In her eyes I see the calm that I thought I had. The beauty of release shines brightest in her facade and I know that she will pave the way. I am entranced and all efforts to resist are combated with deep breathing. She has me breathing deeper and feeling lighter. I am comforted in her presence and I resolve to bask in her tranquility...

until I put that hag out,

AGAIN.

The Tale of the Scale

MayaInspire — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 01:15:15 GMT

    My days have been unfolding smoothly and dripping into the next with ease. I am happy, healthy, and enjoying myself as always. When it comes to a few around me, it is a contrast. It is anguishing watching those that you care about battling their issues. For me, I am taken back to those times in my life when things were messy. Those times when I come to in a different location than I last recall because my mind is so encumbered. What do you say to those in crisis? What was said to you? Stay strong? Tough times don't last long? Or my favorite, "it could be worse." Does that comfort you? What is “worse?”

    To a wealthy person with problems, is their worse being poor? To a poor person going through things, is their worse being without family? Or maybe their worse is being overweight? Do you read my blogs religiously because I am your worse? Would my worse be those in a coma? I hope you see where I am going with this. It would be an affront to know that the wealthy lament poverty to make themselves feel better. I have seen plenty of happy people who make do with very little. Have you ever seen Awakenings? Maybe it is me being too literal. I suppose I should relax and accept a comforting word how it is given. They all mean well, right?

    When I was young, I used to play with this antique scale. It was fascinating weighing a plastic cup with a little stuffed animal. Which side went down fastest and how much could be piled on? I had no idea that the image of a scale would never leave me. I think about scales often and not just because I am a law graduate. The scale is what I live by and will forever be emblazoned in my subconscious. Everyday is lived in an attempt to maintain perfect balance. My scales weigh good and bad and nothing more. Like you, there will always be deposits on both sides. It is up to me to make sure neither one outweighs the other, destroying an even keel.

    When the bad side is heavy, my life clouds in negativity. The excavation begins of everything terrible that has ever taken place in the history of time. I unearth these happenings and I bathe in them, I eat them, and they become so intertwined in myself I become unrecognizable in my mirror. My aura is shrouded and it is not hard to figure out why nobody wants to talk to me. I have been here and I am thankful I know where it is on the map so I can take the detour.

    I try not to allow my good side to weigh down too far either. When it is good, it is orgasmic. I start living my life fast and nothing gets in my way. It is the high without the inhale. The problem comes when I stop noticing just how good it is. I wait without patience for the next great thing. It becomes impossible to remember that everyday is a gift and every experience is an opportunity. When I bask in the good, it can be hard to slow down and appreciate all that has taken place. My life is as fulfilling as I make it and I can only get the most out of it when I stop and note a respectful smile.

    I rejoice and I roll with the punches sometimes all in one evening. I have come to define my own worse and it always relates back to me. I have been through many occurrences in my life and they always slide into their respective slots on my scale. The best advice I always have to offer another is a simple “I’ve been there.” We have all been there, and if you are living, you will go back. I cannot have one side without the other so I am thankful that my worse has slowly transformed into my good.

VD

MayaInspire — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 22:52:56 GMT

    I do not know the history of anything and oddly enough, I am not ashamed to admit it. History was something I barely passed because I had to graduate. According to some, I will be repeating a lot of things someday soon. Until then, I was throwing around some thoughts about V day. Needless to say, I do not know the historical significance of it all. As always, that does not stop me from postulating. Valentine's Day, tell me the name alone doesn’t make you feel all warm and cuddly?

    I used to think that today was for women. More important than their anniversary, this day would be the one where their men would prove their love. If they did not get what they asked for, or "the right" gift, all hell would break loose... literally. I am your woman; show up for me today because if you don't, what am I going to tell Nikki and Regina? We know Nikki and Regina are focused hard on you because they do not have men of their own. On this day, she is the archetype of how a woman should really be treated. Her perfect relationship is on center stage today and it will shine even if it kills her.

    I then realized that men get into it too. They know the spotlight shines brightest on them today. There is personal pressure as their end of the day "goodies" are riding on the gift. If he gets her lingerie it will seem selfish. If he gets her a big screen TV that will be too obvious. Today he is sweating bullets to please not only his woman but he knows Nikki and Regina are hovering too. Oh, the pressure!

    As I got older and more intimately familiar with the capitalism machine, I could see the money making opportunities behind it all. The chocolate, balloons, teddy bears, yadda, yadda, yadda. They throw a little red on the packaging and suddenly a Kit Kat never tasted so good. Who looks at that deflated balloon the next day and do not get me started on mauve bears. There is certainly money to be made here, money to be spent all in the name of love.

    Before bets are placed that my middle name must be Nikki or Regina, let me say something. If there is ever money to be spent, let it be in the name of love, okay? We are a world at war outside and inside of our borders. Everytime I read the news, there is murder and mayhem from here to there. Lives being lost, lives being taken and not even our most vulnerable are spared. Personal opinions about race and sexual orientation are transformed into vile acts that leave us brain dead. I am numbed by the level of violence reported in the first 5 minutes of a news broadcast. Is love all we need?

    I have never purported to have all of the answers, just all of the questions. Should I blame the women for baited breath, hoping for the right handbag today? Can I fault the guy for driving fifteen places to find the right diamond pendant? Is that hairy gorilla holding that heart shaped candy really that ugly? It is easy to fantasize where we would be if every man, woman, and business put this day's effort towards love into 365 days worth. So I won't. What I will do is sit back and give thanks for this solitary day of amore. If you never get another opportunity this whole year, love hard today.

Mind/Body Part II

MayaInspire — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 01:10:32 GMT

    My baby made me so proud the other day. We were shopping (ofcourse) and he went up to this woman and told her he was a "superstar." You should have seen the look on her face. She did not even know what to say. That instantly confirmed that there was no switching at birth, this was definitely my kid. I left the store feeling so proud that my baby has grasped onto a notion many die never having utilized. I am nothing more and nothing less than I say and think I am. Go head, baby!

    Have you ever met someone that was unattractive by your standards? You know, maybe they were too tall, too short, or with too many freckles. Whatever your idiosyncrasies are, they had managed to overcome them and now you two talk without you even giving so much as a thought to it. And have you ever met that one that was so preoccupied with their large nose or big feet that that's all you could think about too? Would you believe me if I advanced the theory that very little separates these two people?

    I remember the moment when I realized that all that I had accomplished was rooted in my thought process. I talk about my parents a lot because their lemonade is so sweet! They were handed me, and low and behold they ran with it. I was never ever told that anything was outside of my grasp. According to them, I was capable of having it all. I began school when I was 4 because they knew that my intellect was going to carry me. We are talking about a 4 year old child. I could have been the dumbest rock in the box! At 4, I certainly did not know I was a superstar… that came later. Was I intelligent then or was I made to believe I was? While you ponder that, I am going to proceed.

    I remember watching this show about this rock climber. He spends his days and nights on the mountain. Pretty normal, right? Then they report that this man is trying to perfect flying. You read me right. He is trying to fly like a bird. To many, this sounds like the most absurd thing ever heard. I can only imagine how many people changed the channel. They then show him walking across this wire, between two mountains, without any harness support. This has never been done. Nothing is holding him steady. Suddenly flying does not sound so absurd. Nothing is holding him steady but his belief.

    I have seen this phenomenon play out many times in my life. No, I do not want to fly. I wanted to score the highest in my class just once before I graduated law school. While not the easiest thing to do, I merely desired it to fruition. Imagine that. Your mind not only controls your body but it controls your circumstances and environment. This sounds farfetched but take my word on this one. Once belief is firmly in place everything, and I mean everything, aligns with that. There is very little that cannot be done alongside a belief that it can.